Journey

I went to UNESCO New Delhi office on some days before to meet Dr. Nandini. It was just about taking a signature and some discussion but it took probably longer than I have thought of. While discussing she suddenly told me 'teesta hold your attitude always. I like your attitude, this boldness, very much'. 

I was a bit embarrassed. Why suddenly? I looked at her. I admire her a lot. She is a celebrity scientist. No, obviously I don't admire her because of her celeb image or not because of that she spends her holidays at most expensive places in the world. But yes, she is the one who has proved that if you go with your passion, you will get the reward back. I have learned from her that being a good scientist doesn't mean that you have to let all your dreams go, it doesn't mean that you cannot be a good mother, it doesn't mean that you cannot have wonderful family. Rather she always showed the way to lead a family life and of course celebrate life. In each big or small issues, celebration. Which unknowingly I also started following. No, for me celebration doesn't mean to go to expensive places or some big restaurant or open up drinks. But celebration..even going to eat fuchka or listening to music or dancing in your own way or simply sitting silently at one place can be a celebration for me but yes, I do celebrate. In my own way but each big or small issues of our daily lives, I try to celebrate. 

We cannot get everything that wishes for in one life but what we can do that is we can cherish each moment of our life. Like that, end of the journey probably only good memories will be there and all the bad would fade away. Today something is going worse doesn't mean that yesterday's good memories have no meaning. Therefore not to worry for future good things are getting stored there. No, nobody teaches me all these but sometimes we get to think on some lifestyle, being inspired by some lifestyle. In some of this point, she comes. She also kept her footprint with many more other personalities in the way of my destination. 

For another reason I admire her. This is quite a realistic reason and not to be ignored too. When most of the people leave science, leave academic platform because of money, in that scenario, she proves science also can make you rich and in India itself. When most of the people suffer, struggles and finally left country because lack of chance, money, opportunities, then she is earning 10 lakh per month sitting nowhere but in our home country. She showed that no one cannot ignore money but at the same time no one also should never ignore own passion too. Another thing, I have learned that is you should be strict to your dream, to your passion too. Sometimes, we often frequently change our hobbies, our passions, our commitment and so on but that probably bring us no where. Passion needs sacrifice too.  And today, she kept on telling me, "always remember your journey,  your own struggle, that will make you more confident." Probably, she became a little emotional. She said "I still remember that shy, timid, emotional girl who has become today's bold, beautiful, smart, confident Teesta. When I see you, I really become proud of you and I do admire you." and then on a little low voice she told "I have heard that you fought with somebody in the last meeting". I was embarrassed. It was actually a long argument in support of my analyzed data. She laughed and said "be like this, do argue, let the world prove you wrong, take the critics, make your own improvement but fight but yes be open enough so that you can make your own improvement too".

I was happy while leaving her place. A bit satisfied too. Probably, inside us, we all have kept seating a small kid who likes to be appreciated. 

Her words made me walk in the down memory lane. 2011, when on an all sudden I was being put a completely empty world. Suddenly found that there was no person to whom I can jump with my all nonsense work or talk anything and everything in the world. No words can put my emotions in the right way except emptiness. It was actually difficult for me to stay in the same place where everything was at it was except one person. My Baba. It seemed all the world stopped. 

I left kolkata. Got a chance to work at NBRC.  Left my comfort zone and then started a new life where I had to prove myself in every step. In every step I was being forced to think that I don't know anything, in every step I had to feel inferior about my English speaking, about my pronunciations, writing, lab techniques, Bengali schooling, not being from Presidency college or St. Xaviours' (because people think that only these two places outstands other places are too low to carry academia). Humiliations after humiliations. I have been humiliated for my innocence, for being too simple, for not understanding complexity, hypocrisy, and so on. I have almost no memory in that first one year of NBRC. Rather only lab and room but today while seating inside the car in this rainy stormy morning, I looked back and found everything of that place actually helped me to heal my wound. Those silent nights, shiny morning, green trees, moonlight craze, winter's bugenvelia, spring's Palash, summer's Champa slowly took me away from my pain, engorged me into their beauty. I started taking the sole essence from every single thing. I started loving my life again. I realized the presence of my baba in every single incident. I started living again. I started doing everything whatever my baba wished me to do. Read, worked, played badminton, basketball, learned violin, yoga, listened to silence, helped others. I worked and worked crazily. 

Sometimes in very depressing moments I thought to quit. Almost moneyless, humiliated situations. How could I lead a quality life? All alone. but on those starry nights, I asked myself, what do I want in life. I asked and asked. Got answers. Slow, slow, slow. Be patient. Your time will speak. Wait for your time. Try to listen that. Be ready. Be prepared. amar babar katha. My father used to say those words and some from Sanjib Chattopadhyay's writing. oi katha gulo mone mone abriti kortam. I keep reciting those words. By that time, most of my friends, those are girls, got married. Some of them had kids. Many of our friends, those are men, bought cars, new home, house loan or started staying abroad. I too got position in Canada. Without applying on a sudden, opportunity came. I could have moved away. Everybody asked me to go there except for my own instincts. I felt not to move out but prove myself from here only. Another thing pulled me here, Arnab. No not for obstructing my way, of course, he himself forced me the most to go to Canada. Even till now he blamed me for not going there but I felt I should be right here. I shouldn't go far from him because at that time he was depressed, distorted, unsettled and asthir. asthir is the right word. He also got some of the good jobs at Biorad, premas biotech etc at Gurgaon, where it was 40,000 month starting. In a moneyless situation, it could be huge for him but I knew his dream, so asked him to think and to think a lot but not to take any immediate job. I told him the same thing which I do believe. Slow. Be slow you will be steady. I clearly remember what he said and probably will remember forever. He said ..'but I have nothing, not home, not car, not even money to lead daily life, now everything seems okay for you but how long you will wait for me, one day you will get bored and things will get changed.' I smiled and didn't answer anything. I knew time speaks. year passes. time changes. Four years later in 2014, we got married. I didn't let myself changed. year passes. its 2018 now.  When my research work got media coverage at Hindustan Times, I remembered those days when people laughed at my schooling, questioned my skills. Time changes. Attitude changes. Throughout all those years, probably in a litteral sense, that shyness turns into boldness. The experience made me more confident. and beautiful? No, I never cared for that and never bothered too. While traveling, I see all the faces around me with full of makeup masks. mapa hasi, mapa katha. Sometimes I feel everybody is just running for selling themselves. irrespective of man or woman but everybody. Living in a fake showy selfish world. Competing with surroundings, not ready to give a single space even to own shadow. Those times, yes, I do feel proud. Proud to see me not in that gathering. ভীড়ের মধ্যে হারিয়ে যে যাইনি, এটা খুঁজে পেয়ে স্বস্তি হয়। and therez my journey come along, keep me steady but down to earth, proud but humble, free but rooted, soft but no one can break me down. I love me, I love my self so much that I can love every single person around. :)